Tag: deathbed wish

I am dying at 35 but this is not what is hurting me. What’s painful is that when I look back, I don’t recall 35 memories to cherish!!! The journey has not been worth remembering. I am not saying I was sad throughout my life, but yes, I always struggled to feel happy. Never had I felt what I realize now, which is the difference between real happiness and materialistic happiness.  And the irony is when I have realized it, I cannot be happy. I am dying and practically, I cannot choose happiness. I can only miss happiness. But at least you can... choose it now. You might be curious to know what happened suddenly that my life turned upside down? I am literally into tears to pen it down but I will, just to make you realize that today is my turn, likewise, it can be yours tomorrow. And I don’t want you to die like me, just like that. Well... nothing much to tell because it was all good a week back. Just a slight pain in my stomach which led to a couple to tests. Huh... to find what? The final stage of liver cancer with a piece of news... the news that I have a few months, weeks or maybe days left. Hard to live with the fact that I am dying anytime soon. But wait a minute, is this something new I got to know? Is it really news that I might die soon? Was I not aware of it or rather are ‘we’ not aware that we‘ll die one day? I am sure even you know about this inevitable truth but there is a difference between you knowing and me knowing it... The difference is that I can feel it now but I’m not sure you can!!! Sorry to say this but maybe you die before me, trust me it is possible. I may sound weird so let me back it with a testimony. About a month back, I heard the shocking news that a 40-year-old man from my vicinity has been diagnosed with a final stage brain tumor and he does not have much time left. I know him personally and this news left me shattered. I remember I was saying to my wife that 40 is not an age to die. How could be God so cruel? Ha... never dared to imagine that I am dying before him in my thirties. Now I am sure you got a pinch of my taste! This is how unpredictable life is. I close my eyes at night more in fear whether they would open to see a morning... sometimes I wonder what is a bigger challenge? To die gracefully or to live gracefully? Because suddenly I see my definition of challenges transforming.   I could sense the definition of my success changing, which was once to earn bread, and what is now to earn breaths. I could feel a change in my attitude from ‘let it come’ some time back to ‘let it go’ today. I could sense the perception of my future...